So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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