Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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