i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
