Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
