I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
