My hair reeks of homosexuality.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
