textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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