Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
