I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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