he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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