grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
