Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
