Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
