Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
