Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
