I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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