party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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