I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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