I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
