I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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