When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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