So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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