Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
