Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
