I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
