just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
