Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
