I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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