There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
