dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
