nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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