Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
