What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
