I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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