We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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