just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
