My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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