I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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