please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
