Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
