Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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