Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
