I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
