I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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