i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You are the jesus of drinking
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
