I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
