I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize