Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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