i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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