im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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