i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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