I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
