Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
