Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
