im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
