i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
