I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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