so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
