I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
