when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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