Already got asked if we're dating
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
